I miss my friends.

Somehow I have managed to make the past three days fly by.

This week was my first week of school. I hate school. Sure all of my friends are on my team, but I guess that doesn't mean we'll have classes together.

My voice cracks every time a teacher asks me a question. Not because I'm scared or nervous. But because I no longer use my voice. I eat lunch alone. Well, not alone. With the boy who sexually harassed my best friend.

Fantastic.

Maybe it will just take some getting used to. Maybe I rely too heavily on my small circle of friends to get me through the day.

Or maybe I'm just super emotional lately.

I almost cried in English class on Friday. Why? Because we were learning about respect and my teacher said that she "Respects every child that walks through her door, because she knows that they are somebodies baby. Somebodies little boy or girl."

It occurred to me that I am no longer -- that I never was Carrie's little girl. That every kiss on the cheek. Every hug. Every mothers day card. Was a waste of my life.

I wasted my life on a woman who didn't even respect me. On a woman who did nothing but put me down day after day. And it makes me sick to think that I'm never going to get that time back. That every meaningful conversation that I have ever had with her. With anyone in her family was just a show.

And the worst part is that no one gets it. Yes. I hate her. Yes. I have been praying for the day that she would leave. For the day that my dad would finally catch on to the fact that she was having an affair. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt me. That it doesn't bother me that I'm only going to see my sister 5 hours a week. I've been practically raising her since birth for Christs sake!

I was supposed to be the one who teaches her how to shave her legs. I was going to be the one to talk to her about boys. I was going to take her shopping for her prom dress and I was going to eat Ben & Jerry's and watch chick flicks with her when she has her first bad break up.

After all I'm the one who stripped the sheets of her bed and make her a pallet on the floor when she wet the bed. I'm the one who gave her band-aids for all her invisible boo-boos. I'm the one who taught her how to do a somersault and the one who taught her how to play all the good games.

And it's so frustrating to go from being the sister she called mom to the sister she sees once a week if she's lucky.

And then there are these questions that keep me up at night.

How did it happen? It seems like just yesterday we were vacationing in New York and everything seemed perfect. How can it be that after getting so close with my grandmother, she could just drop me like Carrie did? No call on my birthday. Christmas. You'd think that after spending 12 years together she'd care about me enough to at least call to say that she can't call me anymore.

Will my dad get remarried? What if she has kids? Where will they stay? Will we have to move again? Will I have to change schools? Will her kids be older then me? Will she accept me into her family? Will he finally get it right?

And worst of all...

What if he gets divorced again?

I know it's selfish, but I'm not ready for yet another mother figure. Two divorces is enough for me thank you very much.

I stayed the night over at Lauren's house on Friday and we started talking about religion. I'm not sure how we really got on the subject. I remember mentioning missionaries, but I'm not sure how we even got on that topic. I admit it. Sometimes I think about joining the peace corps. I would love to be able to help people like that. The idea of saving someones life or helping out a starving man fascinates me. But am I really that selfless? No. Of course not. I can't see myself putting my life on hold for others. I'd love too, but I'm far too selfish.

But anyway, we started talking about how the bible says to love your enemy. I, honestly, could never grasp the concept. If someone were to shoot a person close to me and I saw them on the street 20 years later, I wouldn't -- I couldn't go up to them and tell them that I forgive them and accept them for who they are.

It's possible that I'm just over thinking it though.

I realize now that maybe I've been suppressing some things. I think spending the night with Kailey helped some seeing as she is in a similar situation and she can empathize without sounding like she is clueless.

Anyway I suppose I should start on my book for my project. I went to the library today and they didn't have the book I wanted, so I just picked up a random book by Jodi Picoult without reading the cover. It turned out to be about a girl getting raped.

A real light read...not.

So needless to say I'm not doing my report on that. I probably won't even finish the book just because it's so depressing. Back to the drawing board. =/

And even though I have spent all weekend with friends I managed to avoid the one thing that I really need to talk to someone about.

Actually there is only one person who I think would truly understand. Of course she isn't online and I probably won't have the guts to bring it up anyway.

What was my point?

Blah.

_______

In response to Jamie:

I think we should just make a vow to post once a week. I really don't want to have a certain day.

-Emma